Just wondering....

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Just wondering....

Postby Ashling » Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:48 pm

I was just wondering, if anybody else gets pissed off when people say to them they should be grateful their natural mother didnt have them aborted? Cuz whenever I say a bad word about my adoption its what people say to me, one of the first things my social worker said to me was that my natural mother was offered an abortion n i should count myself lucky she didnt take it. Im not dumb i do know this! If i said to a friend when they speak badly of their parents u should be lucky they didnt abort u, it wouldnt be acceptable, obviously i know its different n i dont think ive explained myself well. But someone just said it to me again and just got me wondering....Maybe Im wrong?
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Postby Gerry » Thu Jan 05, 2006 9:22 pm

You explained yourself perfectly well as yes that's a rubbish thing to say to an adoptee. Your right... people wouldn't say it to anyone else. I'm not an adoptee but I can see that's an insensative and cruel remark.
People say stupid things. Recently my own lovely daughter in law whom I've shared my search for finding my brother with said 'Adopted people have too many rights... she thought people shouldn't go searching for their birth families and visa versa. I was floored and there's not enough sonarios in the world for me to get her to understand where adoptees and birth families are coming from. That's because she and her family have never been touched by adoption and also they all look like peas in a pod.
I have found that I talk less and less to people about adoption... they clearly have no understanding about it. Thank heaven for these adoption boards where we can have a whinge when we get upset.
You go for it.....

Postby Josie » Thu Jan 05, 2006 10:54 pm


Ask your daughter which members of her family would she cheerfully exile to adoption? To never see, ever again.
Ask her how she'd feel, if perhaps her sister or brother was missing from her life.
Out there somewhere...you know? Adopted.
And all the time that sibling was exiled from their lives...perhaps they are a living, talking clone of a much loved grandmother or aunt...

Ashling....the abortion thing? That's horrible to have someone say that to you.
Last edited by Josie on Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Tigerfeet » Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:42 am

Hello Ashling,

Well I just want to say that you are the one who is not in the wrong. It makes me so, so angry and mad to hear that someone has said that to you. Those people who have said that to you are completely in the wrong. I have had exactly the same said to me and it is extremely hurtful and something that isn't easily forgotten. It was said to me by my birth father on his last email to me - that I should be grateful to be alive because if it would have been left to my birth mother then I would have been aborted!! Funnily enough contact has now stopped between us.

Sometimes its bad enough just trying to get through the day and then some nobody who hasn't a clue about adoption goes and says that to you GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

At the end of the day what has been said to you comes under the umbrella of emotional abuse and as for your SW then he/she should have known better and I would actually report them for what they said to you.

Keep strong Ashling - you are a much better person than they are!!!!!!

Fran :x :x
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Postby elly » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:30 pm

Hi Guys

When I was naughty I was told I would be packed off to a childrens home!

I also remember when I left home being told "how could I leave my Mum when she took me in off the streets"

I'm sure neither of these statements would be said to a natural child?

Re-United with Natural Mum 23rd Oct 2004
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Postby NeedAdvice » Thu Jul 06, 2006 12:50 pm

elly wrote:Hi Guys

When I was naughty I was told I would be packed off to a childrens home!

I also remember when I left home being told "how could I leave my Mum when she took me in off the streets"

I'm sure neither of these statements would be said to a natural child?


Hi Elly

To be honest, have been told that I would be packed off to a children's home if I was naughty.... and I WASN'T an adopted child. Don't think it is a completely uncommon remark (when said in partial jest...). Depends on the context, I guess, though...

Not sure about the second comment! :(. Just sounds like a Mum who was very scared of loosing you, lashing out in upset/anger. Didn't have any similar remarks myself, but would guess that leaving home can be a difficult/emotional/upsetting time for many children/parents (both natural and adopted) and that many things may be said in haste and later regretted... :(

Hope that you had good times too.

Best Wishes.
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Postby Montravia » Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:38 pm

Abortion - something that crossed my mind but couldn't do it as I really did want my son. When my parents found out I was pregnant they were furious it was too late for me to have one so they were adamant my son was to be adopted. That with being lied to by the social worker saw that this went through.

Elly, I was never told those things as a child but I was always blamed for everything from always the one who started arguments with my sister (not true :wink: ) through to it was and still is my fault that my parents have ended up in hospital - mum is asthmatic and dad has been in hospital due to an ulcer ending up with two operations, stonach cancer and having varicose veins. Why that's my fault I've never been able to fathom.

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